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Created Jul 03, 2009 07:36AM PST • Edited May 27, 2010 10:08PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   The anticipated sequel to the mildly impressive 2007 Summer blockbuster, TF 2 decides to cut the story down to a minimal and turn the action up to deafening. What we’re left with is a jumbled mess of chaos and confusing storytelling.

   While this film SHOULD have succeeded the first movie, it doesn’t even come close! Michael Bay and his chain gang really screwed the pooch here. They decided to throw in new Transformers which was a good thing, but they hardly ever mention their names and most of them are just thrown on screen with no proper introduction. For instance, at the start of the movie we’re already in a battle as we see Arcee (who is now 3 crotch rockets?) and the Twins (two Autobots that join together to form an ice cream truck), don’t ask me their names because I don’t care to remember. Anyways, they chase down this huge Decepticon that I would assume was Devastator but being he’s destroyed and we later see an even bigger Decepticon composed of multiple vehicles, I would presume THAT is Devastator. As the battle just carries on with its explosions and yelling and fast paced editing, Optimus Prime drops in, literally. He jumps out of a helicopter?! Good God I can’t believe watched this.

   After that clusterf*ck is over with, we begin our story….sort of. We find Sam again and his parents who are overacting enough for the rest of the cast. The jokes are lame, unamusing and raining heavy! I mean monsoon! Just about every line in this film whether a human or Transformer says it is a damn joke. Then there’s dogs humping for no reason, a Decepticon disguised as a chick who disappears faster than she came in, and Sam having a mental breakdown only to immediately recover and never suffer those sysmptoms again….seriously? THIS was the best they could do?

   I suppose I should share with you what the plot is SUPPOSED TO BE….

   “Decepticon forces return to Earth on a mission to take Sam Witwicky prisoner, after the young hero learns the truth about the ancient origins of the Transformers. Joining the mission to protect humankind is Optimus Prime, who forms an alliance with international armies for a second epic battle”

   - courtesy of imdb.com

   Seems like it could be somewhat exciting but all this movie delivers is “AHHHHH!!!!! KABOOM!!!!! NO no no no no! BAM!!!!! Punk ass Decepticon! MORE EXPLOSIONS!!!!” Yes folks, this movie IS that bad. If it were not for the ok action sequences, the film would have gotten an Awful rating in my book.

   Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is NOT the proper sequel to 2007 film. In fact, it’s barely a frigging movie. It’s an action junkie’s wet dream come true but for a movie fan or Transformers fan, it’s just a two and a half hour cruel and insultingly bad joke. As I said before, this wasn’t Transformers, it was like watching XXX with robots…..action scenes every 5 minutes, loud music no one cares for, exploiting the only attractive girls in the film as meaningless characters (even Fox who is the main love interest of Sam), and a story that no one can keep up with and/or doesn’t give a squirrel fart about.

   Everyone wants to claim that THIS is the summer’s big blockbuster and judging from the box officce numbers, it might be on paper but there is just NO WAY you can tell me that this is a better film than Terminator: Salvation. TS was fun, enjoyable, action packed and still told a good story. This was a seizure told with really bad jokes and better effects than it deserved.

4. Acting

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   Shia Lebouf is the same kid he was in the first film, Indiana Jones 4, Rear Window, and Eagle Eye. He already established himself as a good actor in the show Even Stevens, can’t he find a director that can actually guide him to being someone else? The whole young kid that’s scared sh*tless routine is getting a little old, as is he. Is he going to keep playing the same kind of character when he’s in his 30s?

   Megan Fox is an attractive girl, we all know that, so why can’t we focus more on her actual acting ability instead of her legs and ass? I feel she was really held back in this one and she expressed that herself in an interview with Yahoo in which she berated Michael Bay saying that he’s more about effects than acting.

   John Turturro is about the only person who was actually acting and making something out of this movie. His jokes were still just as lame as in the first film but his serious yet whacky attitude helped sell the ridiculousness of it all.

   The rest of the cast, including the voice acting was about as enthralling as watching a turd harden.

5. Male Stars Pretty Bad 1.5

6. Female Stars Pretty Bad 1.5

7. Female Costars Pretty Bad 1.5

8. Male Costars Pretty Bad 1.5

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

    Tons of robots that all look alike, explosions out the ass, the big dramatic build up with music and camera shots only to be disabled by the horrible plot and acting, and plot holes about the size of Michael Bay’s ego. We go from Japan to Philadelphia to New York to Washington to Egypt and then we’re coming back to take the White House, BYAHHHHHHHH! Good lord people, slow the hell down! Why the constant change of scenary? The asnwer to that is, because the writers CAN’T write an interesting story so they distract the audience by using fillers of establishing shots of all these places to try and make people believe “this movie is the sh*t” when in reality, it’s just the SH*TS. Robots that hump people, robots wearing glasses???? ROBOT F*CKING HEAVEN?!

    Where was Barricade? Jazz? The likable characters and story from the first movie? Where the hell was “Transformers” because this was just another Michael Bay sh*t stain!

11. Direction Barely OK 2.0

12. Play Barely OK 2.0

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.0

    In a few attempts of showcasing some kind of gore coming from the TFs, the film’s violence rests solely on the explosions and gun fights. Nothing spectacular either as I found the special effects and fights more entertaining and more organized in Terminator 3! The sex appeal takes up most of the first half of the film but then suddenly vanishes and isn’t seen again until the end….kind of like Megan Fox’s part in the movie. As for rudeness, there’s jive-talking, cursing robots, Bumblebee peeing….AGAIN, and the fact that we have to continue to be subjected to crap like this.

17. Sex Titillating 2.0

18. Violence Fierce 2.0

19. Rudeness Salty 2.0

21. Reality

    Fantasy 5.0

    I think Michael Bay is living in a world farther away than Cyberton! There was no social commentary, no satire, no inside political jokes….absolutely nothing interesting, funny, realistic or even tasteful about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

22. Circumstantial Fantasy 5.0

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Fantasy 5.0