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Created Mar 11, 2013 07:36PM PST • Edited Mar 11, 2013 07:36PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Bad 1.0

   I’m a nice guy. When I used to review movies for pay, people called me “The Guy Who Doesn’t Hate Anything” So for me to say a movie is “bad” is like anybody else giving it the worst possible review.

   How bad is “Meet the Spartans”? Let’s put it this way, if you do see this you will hold a seance to apologize to Ed Wood for anybody who called him thy’lle worst director ever. It’s a bad movie.

   And I’ll tell you why.

   I have no problem with gross humor, but there is very little humor here to go with the gross. Are their laughs. Yeah, there are a few but the problem with this movie, and like most truly bad art, is the lack of respect for the audience. It’s like someone said "Let’s spoof “300” and some other movies. They’ll laugh cause they’re idiots"

   The only idiots are the people who made this movie.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   The acting isn’t really that bad. But it doesn’t matter. You could have Lawrence Olivier come back from the dead and this movie would still stink.

5. Male Stars OK 2.5

6. Female Stars OK 2.5

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars OK 2.5

10. Film

    Bad 1.0

11. Direction Bad 1.0

12. Play Bad 1.0

13. Music Bad 1.0

14. Visuals Bad 1.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 3.1

17. Sex Titillating 2.2

18. Violence Fierce 2.1

19. Rudeness Vile 5.0

21. Reality

    Surreal 2.8

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.8

23. Biological Surreal 2.8

24. Physical Surreal 2.8