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Created Jun 05, 2009 02:10PM PST • Edited Jun 08, 2009 08:06PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   OK 2.5

   This well mounted period piece delivers entertaining drama and comedy, notwithstanding Jessica Biel’s lame performance as the central character. In a movie taken from a play by the great Noël Coward, her performance recalls two of The Master’s quotations.

   • “Just say the lines and don’t trip over the furniture.” The first proves difficult, while her sole winning moment comes when she effectively does the second.
   • “Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.” Yet Coward’s glorious lines emerge slowly from her mouth like … marmalade.

   Biel was clearly cast as catnip for young Americans to check out this movie. A likable and earnest trouper, she worked the talk show circuit all this week. Bully for her. Too bad it’s in a losing cause. She should go back to Maxim movies.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   As the fish-out-of-water centerpiece of the movie, Jessica Biel simply doesn’t deliver. Struggling to enunciate Coward’s dense lines, she’s like a child eating steak. The difficult mastication drains the joy from the meat. That said, she’s got a hell of a toothy grin and is a satin doll in the slim period dresses she gets to wear.

   Given such a weak foil, Kristin Scott Thomas’ mother-in-law from hell never gets into any sort of rhythm. Pity, since she’s a natural at playing to the manor born.

   Colin Firth, rarely one of my favorites, shines brightest amongst this dreary cast. He nails the dissociation of his war shattered character, retrieved physically but not psychologically from Lost Generation Paris.

   Kudos also to Kris Marshal as a classically droll butler.

5. Male Stars Good 3.0

   Ben Barnes was OK, Colin Firth was Very Good. Together they’re Good.

6. Female Stars Barely OK 2.0

   Jessica Biel was bad, Kristin Scott Thomas was good. Together they’re OK.

7. Female Costars Good 3.0

8. Male Costars Good 3.0

   Kris Marshal, as Furber the Butler

10. Film

    Good 3.0

    Noël Coward’s play, tarted up with a rather effective sight gag and a kicker of an ending, should have worked better than it did. Acting deficiencies aside, the script didn’t establish or even strongly suggest that Jessica Biel’s character was a woman of “Easy Virtue.” Plus the mother-in-law – who needed to be unambiguously awful for the story to completely work – ended up rather sympathetic after it became clear that her son’s refusal to return to the family business meant the end of the family homestead.

    The film did have several fun moments, including an embarrassing canine accident that recalled the one from There’s Something About Mary. It was also rather affecting from time to time, though that didn’t always work in its favor since writer-director Stephan Elliott seems to have wanted to take Coward’s drama and turn it into much more of a comedy.

11. Direction Very Good 3.5

12. Play Very Good 3.5

13. Music Pretty Bad 1.5

    A few bizarre musical numbers spoiled the mood for me, though others in my party said they liked the quirkiness. Still, what the hell was Billy Ocean’s mid-80s hit When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going doing in a 1920’s period piece? I often like modern music in period pieces, but only when the whole thing is tongue-in-cheek or stylistically consistent. This was neither.

14. Visuals Great 4.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Tame 1.4

17. Sex Innocent 1.3

18. Violence Gentle 1.5

19. Rudeness Polite 1.3

21. Reality

    Glib 1.2

    The American defined herself by her own actions, while the landed British gentry were defined by their familial positions. Economically, this meant that the American could strike out on her own, in fact needed to strike out on her own if she wanted to make something of herself. The well born Brits needed to carry on the family business of gentlemen farming as the previous ten generations had. When times changed, all was lost.

22. Circumstantial Glib 1.5

    Nice conceit, declaring a female winner of the Monte Carlo Grand Prix. If only it were so…

23. Biological Natural 1.0

24. Physical Natural 1.0