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Created Nov 25, 2011 01:24AM PST • Edited Nov 25, 2011 01:24AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   OK 2.5

   The beginning of the end is perhaps not the best episode to begin viewing the Twilight Saga, but family duty called. Which come to think of it, was the theme of the movie: Family Duty, Supernatural Style.

   For a parent in tow, Breaking Dawn – Part 1 was more museum piece than entertainment. To wit:

   • Family Values: Bella never wavers about keeping the baby to term even after her jealous girlfriend sniped “Who gets married at 18?” The former used to be rare while the latter used to be common.
   • Girlish Fantasy: Marriage to Edward Cullen is perfectly dreamy. There’s his perfect hair and that he’s more into cuddling than sex. Meanwhile Bella’s other studly admirer, the Wolf Guy, strips off his shirt right after the opening credits. Why wait?
   • Vampire Rules: What vampire rules? Breaking dawn should mean death-by-sunlight. The Cullens frolic midday. They must be Reconstructionist Vampires or something. Anne Rice isn’t pleased.

   But teen fans of the Twilight juggernaut are very pleased by TS:BD1. As a parent, that’s just fine.

4. Acting

   Good 3.0

   • Kristen Stewart is the Natalie Wood of a new generation. The trailer for her upcoming Snow White & the Huntsman looked surprisingly good, a veritable redefinition of Snow White as action hero. Savvy.
   • Robert Pattinson is a likable enough studmuffin.
   • Taylor Lautner is insufficiently hirsute to play a werewolf.

   What’s up with Anna Kendrick and Michael Sheen in bit parts? Must’ve gone under contract before they became stars.

5. Male Stars Very Good 3.5

6. Female Stars Very Good 3.5

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars OK 2.5

10. Film

    OK 2.5

11. Direction OK 2.5

12. Play OK 2.5

13. Music OK 2.5

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0

    The werewolves were lame, while the vampires hardly bared their fangs. Weak.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.8

    The honeymoon sex is handled discreetly but there will be no avoiding “the conversation” after seeing this PG-13 movie.

17. Sex Titillating 2.0

18. Violence Fierce 1.8

19. Rudeness Polite 1.5

21. Reality

    Fantasy 4.1

    Silly fantasy.

22. Circumstantial Supernatural 3.7

23. Biological Fantasy 4.5

24. Physical Supernatural 4.0