ViewGuide

Created Nov 12, 2011 02:12AM PST • Edited Jan 20, 2012 06:11PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   Anybody seen a golden Hollywood crown? Tom Hanks lost his by directing, starring in and co-writing this disappointing dramedy. Notwithstanding Hanks having Hanks – the most likable leading man this side of Jimmy Stewart – and a resonant au courant theme, Larry Crowne barely rises to second rate Capra. It ain’t even Capracorn. If only.

   It does include a terrific movie moment: Tom Hanks’ celebration after his big kiss with Julia Roberts, proof that A-list stars can light up the screen in an otherwise bad movie. The rest is a mawkish mess.

   Tom, we’ll always love you as Woody, Forrest, Lovell, Jimmy Dugan (“There’s no crying in baseball.”) and about two dozen other nonpareil roles. We’re especially looking forward to your immortal Father in the upcoming Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It appears stunning. Plus it’ll put Larry Crowne in the rear view mirror.

   Closure. We need closure.

4. Acting

   Good 3.0

   Tom Hanks remains an A-List moviestar. Guy next door charisma still in place? Check. Trustworthy? Check. Comedic timing? Check. Ability to rise above bad material? Gong.

   Julia Roberts can still shine in the right role. This role – angry woman in need of a good man – isn’t it.

   Let us now count the other wasted talents:

   • Rita Wilson (Mrs. Hanks in real life) as a highly programmed bank functionary with a bad dye job.
   • Cedric the Entertainer as Hanks’ yard-sale neighbor.
   • Taraji P. Henson as his wife, I think. Henson’s a first rate actress who disappears in this picture. Sad.
   • Gugu Mbatha-Raw as a cute coed. Gugu. Cute name.
   • Wilmer Valderrama as her semi-tough boyfriend.
   • Pam Grier is supposedly in this movie according to IMDb. Where?
   • Bryan Cranston as a man gone bad. Breaking bad? Not exactly.
   • George Takei as a weirdly pompous professor.

5. Male Stars Very Good 3.5

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars Barely OK 2.0

10. Film

    Pretty Bad 1.5

    Amateurish script, mawkish emotions, trite situations.

11. Direction Barely OK 2.0

12. Play Bad 1.0

    Co-written by Tom Hanks – whose talents don’t seem to extend to writing – and Nia Vardalos – whose peak of My Big Fat Greek Wedding will always loom above the rest of her oeuvre. Say no more.

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.7

17. Sex Titillating 1.7

18. Violence Gentle 1.5

19. Rudeness Salty 1.8

21. Reality

    Glib 1.3

22. Circumstantial Glib 1.4

23. Biological Glib 1.3

24. Physical Glib 1.3